When He said to me, "I AM."

Here's a story about trusting an unseen God, and how He made for Himself a new name on which I call Him...actually, more than one name that He's declared for Himself.

In my wrestling with the Lord (realizing I was just having an identity crisis), I discovered a lot about myself, a lot about spiritual warfare, and a lot about the One I was wrestling with.

It is perfectly legitimate to have a wrestling match with the Lord...He ends up winning, but your emotions are still valid!

Psalm 13, for example, has been one scripture that I can identify with. I'm sure King David wasn't in the same circumstances as I have been this past week... but somehow we ended up using the same contextual language, with the same measure of drama.

"How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me?... Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; Enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death..."

I spent hours praying HARD. For days, it seemed like God was silent. I was asking for a miracle in my finances. I questioned the Lord in Him leading me to the International House of Prayer. I challenged Him, "Am I a liar, God?" and "You said You wanted me here- You said You would provide! So where are You??" I felt hopeless and insecure.

Now, those are legitimate questions! So what did God want to do? He wanted to do a couple of things: Align my heart with His (aka. rebuke me), and He wanted to have the greater testimony that all may know who He is. This is His story. He wants to get the most Glory, because He is worthy of all honor, all blessing,  and all praise! There is none like Him in the heavens above or on the earth beneath!

Now here's the thing, I believe I am right where God wants me. God has aligned my passions and dreams with His heart. I know He wants to use me to impact the nations! I know He's called me to the prayer room. I believe that I'll make a greater impact from my knees in prayer! I believe that! I have a burden for intercession; to fight for justice and truth, for mercy to the nations, for restoration of the Church (the Bride of Christ). All those things are burning in my heart. So why would God withhold Himself from me? Because He wanted to get the most glory! When I am weak, He is made strong. He also wanted to "birth" a greater passion- a greater zeal- in me to intercede for those whom He loves.

I suffered in the waiting. I suffered through the interrogating. I suffered through the attacks from the enemy. I suffered, no doubt about that! I felt stripped of what I knew. I felt hindered in my worship and what I knew to be true. Believe me, it wasn't all daisies and butterflies!

The most important things that I obtained through the suffering were the intercessors who lifted me up. Prayer is the key that opens the doors of heaven and releases relief to the saints. Prayer opens the doors of heaven! As an intercessor, the most important thing I can have, aside from salvation, are people praying for me. Prayer is what unites the Church. And the enemy, that devil, will do everything in his power to keep us from doing it! Do you ever feel like praying for more than 5 minutes? What about a half hour? The enemy may say, "There's not enough time in a day to pray for that long," or "That's too radical." Prayer is the most important element of the human race!

Because I know that, aside from how I felt, I set my alarm for 1:30am to fight for mercy on my own life (I was desperate for a breakthrough). From 1:30-4am, I cried out to the God of justice. "Where are You? Do not be distant from me!" I was a broken mess. Then, when I stopped yelling at Him (like I said, wrestling), He spoke to me in the silence. "I AM."

There's no arguing with that! ...and I tried, but His gentleness in saying it shut me up completely.

The story doesn't end here. But the second part of the story is worthy of it's own post (you can thank me later).

However, I want to encourage you (and commend you for making it this far), God cares about your emotions. He cares even when you don't feel like He does. He is in the business of increasing your faith. For me, it took nearly a week and a half of intense praying! In addition to that, nearly a hundred people praying for me. For you, it may, and most likely, look different. BUT GOD never fails, He never gives up, He never runs out on you. He is fighting for you. He IS the God of justice. He is the God of mercy. He is the God of grace. He is Victorious. And He will most likely rebuke you (which is a good thing!).

{Click here for Part II}